Im going to Haiti in December.
This excites me to no end. In three weeks I will need to get some shots, get a case of Malarone, and more importantly, prepare my heart to be taken away. To be attached to a great sail caught by a wind of compassion and carried to some far off place. A place where my desires and my goals are put to death and all control is sacrificed on the great stone table.
I have come to realize that control is the greatest hinderance to my ability to do the things i feel in my heart. Things I think I want to do...
I have long been in favor of going overseas, for a long period of time, removing my comfortable upper middle class cushions, and helping the least of these. Like, actually living in a place...not just a trip.
I am not scared about sleeping in uncomfortable spots (Ive slept on couches for months at a time), I am not afraid of being dirty or not having regular hygiene luxuries (I shower once a day, but its more to wake up than to get clean), I am slightly fearful of violence...however that is minor (I could be assaulted in my neighborhood on any given night).
My biggest fear is losing control of my own life. Control to have a good job. Control to find a wife. Control to make and enjoy friends. Control of my future.
How will I meet my dream girl if I just move to Haiti? What kind of job will be available if/when I ever come back? What if I dont like the people I am bunking with? How can I find a good organization, with "cool" people I will enjoy? These are all the areas of control I fear losing.
The funny thing is, I do not have any control now. Ive never had control, but I do enjoy a nice little illusion of control. So essentially, I am fearful of giving up my illusion of control in life. That is the biggest hurdle for me to chase my passions. Pretty ridiculous huh?
Back to Haiti.
I have been reading the blogs of my friends, who are in Haiti. The people already living there and the group I will be going with is truly a collection of bright and beautiful people whom I love. I have daydreamed about going down there and staying there. I probably wont do that.
However, my heart is certainly in a transitional place right now. I pray that my eyes would be wide open and willing to see what God sees. Willing to see the broken places and that my soul would burn for love of the people I see there. And I would feel a need to act on my emotions and feelings while I am there.
Who knows what coals and embers this upcoming trip will stir up in my heart? But my main desire is that I will not let my desires and my plans come in the way of a call that I may feel.
Because I am a terrible leader for my own life. I shouldnt be in control anyway.
Oh, wait...Im not. I just think I am.
5 weeks ago