From 6/29/08...

I know, Ive always made fun of blogging...because, well it SOUNDS ridiculous. "I gotta go blog" "Have you read my blog?" I mean, come on. But look at me...this is a real post, a true blog post. So I will take all your crap and love it...because yes, I am blogging. Right now. Today.

So, Im all sentimental because Im leaving Orlando (for good?) in like 2 hours. And i am trying to figure out things. What things? I dont know. Why do we need community around us so much? Why does it make me sick to my stomach (literally) to leave these great people in Orlando? I mean I know there will be others in Atlanta. There will be, its a fact...theres millions of people there, I will find friends, probably very good friends. Maybe BETTER friends! Who knows. But like, all i can is remember the ridiculous/great/funny/sad

/heartbreaking/joyful times Ive shared with so many different people over the last 4 years. Looking back i love all those times. Even the crappy ones because now they can be seen in perspective and i can see why they were necessary. I just want familiarity I think. I like knowing people will be around, and be there for me, and I for them. But then again, I do like adventure. And this Atlanta move is an adventure. maybe I just dont wanna do it alone. I dont know, I have run the gamut of emotions the past week. I guess im feeling everything at once.

Another question...why do I feel the need or want to know where we will all end up. Will we all "make it" so to speak. Not money-wise or success...but just in life, in faith. Will we all become what God has made us to be? Will we all find our loves? Will we all be ok? Seems like a weird thing to think about, but thats been going through my head. I want to know all these people I care about will be ok. I love you all. Really.

I dont like emotion...its so weird. Its kinda unpredicatble and uncontrollable. And it just dominates us. Thats that.

But Ive learned so much this year. How to live and love better. Expanded my mind in many ways...opened up to new ideas from getting into instrumental music to learning that sometimes you just have a house pot of clothes and everyone shares, and its ok. Most importantly now and going forward I have learned what my God means to me. And what I mean to Him. I have learned that trying to be good just doesnt cut it. Why do we think we can offer anything to Him? No no, its all because He loved us FIRST and in our brokenness and disparity, he has chased after us desperately and said "you're worth it" despite the fact we constantly flick him off and peel out, so to speak. He loves us to much and it has nothing to do with my actions or my deeds to impress him. He literally died for a selfish, perverse, lazy, untrusting guy like me. And through the grace offered by Christ, He says im beautiful now. THIS is life changing love. This is the kind of thing that makes us WANT to live for Him and live how he says. Not out of obligation, trying to do good, or trying to somehow offer him anything. We cant. All we can offer is the righteousness of Christ in front of us, and thats all we can do. I love it. Its freeing. And i think it is the only way we can truly express the love of that Father because the love that flows out when u realize you cant do it yourself and you are so hopeless, yet he says I love you! oh man...that is when it starts errupting out of your heart and soul and the real abundant life can start to take place. Thats what the gospel means to me. So, now I have unintentionally encouraged myself :) I think I will pack up and "go forth with vigor" like my good friend Shannon Wing said. I am going to Atlanta knowing I am loved and excited to spread the GOOD news, because it is so good. And you, whoever was bored enough to read this...you go forth with vigor knowing you are loved! I will see you all around the bend!!!!