Wounded...

I went to visit my great aunt and uncle this Saturday, so we could see my other great uncle and some distant cousins or something. It was a nice time, although it did have a twinge of awkwardness that comes with forced mingling. And they are family, so I think there is this dynamic where everyone feels like they should hit it off and be fast friends, so silence and lack of conversation feels extra weird. Anyway, I digress. While out in the garden, I stepped on a Hawthorn branch, upon which sat a 2 inch thorn. This monstrosity (it was huge, take out a ruler and measure 2 inches - thats a big thorn) proceeded to impale a) the rubber sole of my Reef sandals b) the thick foam padding c) the leather bed and d) my flesh. This hurt.

As I cleaned my bloody instep the throbbing radiated out and affected the entire heel portion of my foot. I was pretty surprised how much damage this thorn did. I mean, my foot was still quite sore today. At my desk today, I considered this thorn and I thought about how nasty the crown of thorns must have been. That was real. It happened. I think often times we do not have a personal, physical connection with what happened to our Savior. We werent there, we didnt see the blood or hear the sounds of torture which occured on that day. But all that stuff we read and saw in that Mel Gibson movie actually happened and were actually felt by our beautiful friend and Lord, Jesus. Feeling that thorn gave me possibly a 0.00003% feeling of what He endured for us. Actually immeasurably less than that, because he endured the abscence of an infinitley intimate relationship with the Father, but that is a whole nother blog in itself. Basically, sin is ugly...and the punishment for it is devastating. Its just ridiculous the amount of love that was and is poured out on us by the Father. To go through that, just so He could be close to a continuously rebelious son like me...its astonishing.

Dont be a drone...

I was talking to my friend Jason recently about this resurgence of blogging that seems to be happening. I know people have been blogging for a while now, but only recently it seems that all my friends have started to post blogs. So anyway, we were discussing this and he commented that he thinks "one of the best things we can do with our time is read and/or write." This seems very basic, but when you think about it...do we really ever do these things? I mean, really do them to exercise our mind and not out of obligation to our job or school.

Reading expands the boundaries of our minds I think. It stretches our knowledge base and forces us to focus our energy on a subject. I have experienced the satisfaction of ingesting a good piece of literature lately and there is something extra special about it. It takes more effort than watching TV or even listening to music (both enjoyable activities) and that leads us to appreciate that act of reading more. I cant wait now to come home from work and just sit with a book for an hour or so. It is truly a relaxing activity, yes stimulates your mind at the same time. I think it enriches our souls. I have no proof of this, but that is just my recent thoughts on reading.

As for writing, I have lately discovered a new benefit to this pastime. Organization. Historically I have used writing to experiment with diction and tried to paint pictures with words. I would only write if I thought I had a really big idea or a clever way of putting something. However since starting this blog I have seen that through writing, my thoughts have an outlet to take shape and organize into useful knowledge. Nothing special, just working through the muddled thought soup that is my brain. There have been a few posts where I just started typing with a vague idea, then through spilling out words, actually identified what had been floating around in my head. Sometimes it just helps to get it out. To find the root of the situation so you can deal with it.

Thinking about this subject, writing, also led me to consider creativity in general. Writing is a form of creating, as well as the other arts such as painting, playing music, etc. I think using our minds to create is a very special thing to do. It taps into one of God's attributes that he shares with us. We are made in His image and while we certainly do not have his omnipotence we do have the capacity to create. Id go so far as to say that one of the defining characteristics of God is creativity. Anyway, using our minds to create is showing Him that we appreciate what he has bestowed on us. Its not the only way to do that, but it is one way. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then when we are creative we are worshiping Him in a way. Kinda cool, huh? I thought it was an interesting thought. Lets not let these abilities atrophy. I encourage you to read, write, and enjoy these precious gifts He has given us!

Just gotta blog...

Its midnight, on a Friday, and I just feel like blogging. I honestly have nothing good to talk about. This will probably be a lot of rambling...but I just wanna say some stuff that i love about life.

1. I love rooting for the underdog, and there is no bigger underdog than the Florida Marlins. All players on their team have about 2-3 years of experience, ever. Their payroll is less than the employees at your local Circle K. Yet they defy the odds and are somewhat competitive. You know why? Heart. And there is nothing more loveable than heart in a guy who just quite doesnt have the talent. Its great to be a fan when one win in a 162* game season makes you so happy. BoSox fans arent satisfied unless they win it all in October. Me? Just gimme a 2 out rally in the 9th to beat the Royals.

2. Moss/Ivy. Does any substance give the feeling of age and wisdom like moss or ivy? Take any average gate and add ivy: all of a sudden that thing has been there since the 1700s and hides wonderful secrets. Got plain stepping stones? Add a little moss around them and you are walking a path into a magical forest with pixies buzzing about.

3. Sounds. Gosh I love sounds. Not only music, but just different noises. Its amazing how a sound can freak you our ot warm you to the core. Some top sounds are typewriters, biting into an apple, (sorry bout the creepy laugh at the end of the apple bite but its all i could find) and dress shoes on a wood floor. Senses in general are pretty awesome. I like sense.

4. Cat sarcasm kills me. If you know a cat, you know what Im talking about. I really dont like cats much, but sometimes they just slay me. Have you ever tried to excite a cat? Like for a dog you jump around, talk in a wacky voice, and make a fool of yourself and it gets excited and wants to play too. But a cat...oh no, you my friend are mocked by that effing cat. They have an amazing ability to just pierce you to the core and say "uh, you're an idiot. " Its like the look you would get if you walked into a real indie music store and bought the latest Sum 41 release.

5. The invention of those olde tyme big wheeled bikes. These have always fascinted me, I mean what were they thinking? Who came up with this?* Thanks to all the baseball buffs for the correction. It is, in fact a 162 game season.

The sun stood still...

So Im here. In Atlanta, which other than the plethora of Cokes is just another city, but this time I have no friends. And a job that is looking like it might be 60 hours a week...including every Monday that will be 7:30am-11pm. I am feeling inadequate to complete this residency and lately have been wondering why I am doing it in the first place. These are totally unexpected feelings, because when I decided to do this I truly felt like God had placed it in my soul to pursue a residency. I mean I was so confident this was it! Now I am really just feeling the weight of this decision, from being at home, to the job, to finding a church, to finding community. Im just not so sure about the whole thing and I am having major doubts. Unfortunatley, I am in this now, and I cant get out (literally, its a legally binding agreement to do this residency). Bla, bla, bla...Ok, Im complaining. I know. Its amazing my capacity to complain. 6 months ago this was all I wanted. Now I am questioning why Im even here. I dont like all this doubt, fear, and worry. And Im beginning to realize that it is clearly of the Evil One who would like nothing more for me to be where God wants me but to hate it and not pursue the task to the end. God tells his people all the time to go do seemingly crazy things (way nuttier than to get a good job in Atlanta) and he constantly has to remind them that He is with them and not to fear. I was reading in Joshua yesterday, and I came across a ridiculously sweet passage. Joshua and his army of Israel have been commanded to take over all the Promised Land and claim it for themselves. To shorten the story for you all, basically Joshua's army comes to a point where they are facing a joint-army of 5 major cities in the region. 5 armies on 1 basically, but God says "dont be afraid, I have given them into your hand." A little crazier than "go move to Atlanta" huh? Well they proceed to fight and in the middle of battle God STOPS THE MOVEMENT OF THE SUN for a full 24 hours to allow for more daylight and a victory for Israel (Joshua 10). I dont even need to elaborate on that. Soak it in for a sec.

I need to constantly remember that God is God. My dear friend Elliott told me that yesterday. "let God be God." I mean thats so true, why do I forget it daily? Now, am I expecting some kind of crazy miracle? No, not really. However God can and will equip his people to be able to carry out his will, by whatever means necesary. He can stop all of the universe for a day. He is the Creator. He is God. It is so encouraging. He has brought me here, I still belive that, and He will sustain me throughout it. He will not leave me by myslelf to whither away. I am feeling weak, alone, stupid, and scared. What a better time for Him to reveal his power, mercy, and grace than to pick a sad sack like myself and do something big in Atlanta? It is a miracle in itself to be able to be used by God at all. My boy CS Lewis wrote that God could repair our bodies without food, convert heathens without missionaries, or give us knowledge without teachers. However "He allows soils and weather and animals and the muscles, minds, and wills of men to co-operate in the execution of His will." Thank you for including me in this great adventure, Lord.

I <3 Atlanta...

Ok, well as some of you may know I love Diet Coke. Diet COKE mind you, not Pepsi. Sometimes I will drink Pepsi, however it is frowned upon. Sometimes, when im craving a DC, I want to go to a place, but I will not go there because they serve Pepsi, even if I want their food. Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Firehouse, and Panera are on that list. However, today I went to Panera due to a coworkers suggestion (just trying to be flexible and not cause any spats on the first week).

Well, for background on my ridiculous thought pathways, I had just been thinking the day before how our hospital had Coke and how delightful that was. Then I figured that should have been obvious since The Coke World Headquarters is here in Atlanta. I bet they dominate the cola sales around here. Then on the drive over to Panera that I wondered if they would have Coke products, because after all, Atlanta is the home of Coke. But then I realized Panera is a national chain and Im sure their contract with Pepsi takes authority.

Well, as I approcahed the fountain I saw what I expected, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, etc. BUT THEN! at the end of the row were two spouts, one for Coca Cola and one for Diet Coke!!! I couldnt believe it! I mean, does ATL have some negotiation with every business here that they have to serve Coke products? This is huge! Can I get a Coke at Taco Bell? Does everyone have Coke? Oh man...I cannot wait to explore this possibility. So I enjoyed my 1/2 Bacon Turkey Bravo sandwich and cup of French Onion soup with an ice cold Diet Coke...something I had never done before...delicious.

And that is why I love the ATL.

From 6/29/08...

I know, Ive always made fun of blogging...because, well it SOUNDS ridiculous. "I gotta go blog" "Have you read my blog?" I mean, come on. But look at me...this is a real post, a true blog post. So I will take all your crap and love it...because yes, I am blogging. Right now. Today.

So, Im all sentimental because Im leaving Orlando (for good?) in like 2 hours. And i am trying to figure out things. What things? I dont know. Why do we need community around us so much? Why does it make me sick to my stomach (literally) to leave these great people in Orlando? I mean I know there will be others in Atlanta. There will be, its a fact...theres millions of people there, I will find friends, probably very good friends. Maybe BETTER friends! Who knows. But like, all i can is remember the ridiculous/great/funny/sad

/heartbreaking/joyful times Ive shared with so many different people over the last 4 years. Looking back i love all those times. Even the crappy ones because now they can be seen in perspective and i can see why they were necessary. I just want familiarity I think. I like knowing people will be around, and be there for me, and I for them. But then again, I do like adventure. And this Atlanta move is an adventure. maybe I just dont wanna do it alone. I dont know, I have run the gamut of emotions the past week. I guess im feeling everything at once.

Another question...why do I feel the need or want to know where we will all end up. Will we all "make it" so to speak. Not money-wise or success...but just in life, in faith. Will we all become what God has made us to be? Will we all find our loves? Will we all be ok? Seems like a weird thing to think about, but thats been going through my head. I want to know all these people I care about will be ok. I love you all. Really.

I dont like emotion...its so weird. Its kinda unpredicatble and uncontrollable. And it just dominates us. Thats that.

But Ive learned so much this year. How to live and love better. Expanded my mind in many ways...opened up to new ideas from getting into instrumental music to learning that sometimes you just have a house pot of clothes and everyone shares, and its ok. Most importantly now and going forward I have learned what my God means to me. And what I mean to Him. I have learned that trying to be good just doesnt cut it. Why do we think we can offer anything to Him? No no, its all because He loved us FIRST and in our brokenness and disparity, he has chased after us desperately and said "you're worth it" despite the fact we constantly flick him off and peel out, so to speak. He loves us to much and it has nothing to do with my actions or my deeds to impress him. He literally died for a selfish, perverse, lazy, untrusting guy like me. And through the grace offered by Christ, He says im beautiful now. THIS is life changing love. This is the kind of thing that makes us WANT to live for Him and live how he says. Not out of obligation, trying to do good, or trying to somehow offer him anything. We cant. All we can offer is the righteousness of Christ in front of us, and thats all we can do. I love it. Its freeing. And i think it is the only way we can truly express the love of that Father because the love that flows out when u realize you cant do it yourself and you are so hopeless, yet he says I love you! oh man...that is when it starts errupting out of your heart and soul and the real abundant life can start to take place. Thats what the gospel means to me. So, now I have unintentionally encouraged myself :) I think I will pack up and "go forth with vigor" like my good friend Shannon Wing said. I am going to Atlanta knowing I am loved and excited to spread the GOOD news, because it is so good. And you, whoever was bored enough to read this...you go forth with vigor knowing you are loved! I will see you all around the bend!!!!

Regarding prayer...

"...if an infinitely wise Being listens to the requests of finite and foolish creatures, of course He will sometimes grant and sometimes refuse them." -C.S. Lewis

I was reading recently in a collection of short works by ol' Clive a passage about the efficacy of prayer. I would love to just post the whole thing, as it is quite good...but since this is "my" blog I guess I will give my musings and reactions to the passage. Basically after reading it, I was convicted about how I approach prayer. For so long, I have treated it as a suggestion box. Sometimes more urgent pleas, sometimes casual requests...but nonetheless a time to express and beg for what I thought was best. However, time after time, year after year, my prayers would just turn into a soggy mush of requests to a God who seemed far away and uninterested. I knew this wasnt true! However when I started to do my "nightly prayer" I just felt as if I was talking to a lonely, vast exapnse. I was not connecting with my personal God and Savior. Because, I think, prayer was not meant to be this...shocking, I know.

"Prayer, in the sense of petition, asking for things is a small part of it; confession and penitence are its threshold, adoration its sanctuary, the presence and vision and enjoyment of God its bread and wine."

**As an unrealted sidenote, I would just like to say I want to master the semi-colon! It adds so much depth to a passage I think. After a semi-colon I am always excited to see what is next...I dont know, they fascinate me. Prolly because I dont really know what their purpose is, so its always so mysterious.**

So anyway, that night I prayed and left aside my frail requests and suggestions to my omnipotent Creator and I praised Him for why I love Him. Why I have decided to surrender my life to Him and his Will. I basically told Him why He is God. It was incredible. I felt like I was just sitting talking to Him, in His living room with many bound books and a bearskin rug in front of the fire. I was enjoying Him, and He revealed Himself to me though this worship. I didnt get any answers to any of my questions or any answered prayers that night. But I did enter into my God's presence, and all my petty worries and concerns faded away in that glory. I dont expect anything in return for my "correct" prayer, other than the pleasure of being in the presence of God (which is my one true desire anyway I suppose). Im not at all saying pray like this and then the door to your worldly desires will be opened. I do think that by praising Him and entering into an attitude of worship through prayer finally ushers your spirit into His den so to speak, where the door has always been opened and he has always been inviting us, yet we continually hid down the hallway and whispered our advice as to how He should run things.

Now, we still should request things if we want, we are instructed to offer up petitions. But dont forget this is only a small part of the act of worship that is prayer. However, do not be discouraged if your requests are not answered, for the Christ Himself pleaded in the garden and his prayer was refused. CS offers an interesting view of answered/unanswered prayers "...little people like you and me, if our prayers are sometimes granted, beyond all hope and probability, had better not draw hasty conclusions to our own advantage. If we were stronger, we might be less tenderly treated. If we were braver, we might be sent, with far less help, to defend far more desperate posts in the great battle."

So, I have a blog...

Yea, I guess I have a blog now. I am looking forward to hopefully keep up with this. We'll see if I do...